I’m truly just so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  My humour and patience has officially left the building.  Six months on and what? Is normality too much to strive for?

On the outside, if one is not part of my inner circle, all looks peachy in my world.  Facebook life of note. To those close who see my solar powered-ness, the truth is clear.

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At night I lay in a heap, mind turning.  Trying to find justifications to cancel the next day.

“Stop the world I want to get off.”

The prospect of small objectives looming like Mount Vesuvius.

This is not me!! Will the real Tanya please stand up?

I have learnt the art of acceptance (well most of the time). And the art of using energy wisely.  Not driven by fomo anymore but rather about opening my kimono selectively.  Not from choice, from necessity.

I’m far from beaten, no mashed avocado just yet. However at the bewitching hour like now, roll call looks like this:

  • Frustration – here
  • Irritation – here
  • Brain fuzziness – here
  • Acceptance – “no reply Miss”
  • Lump of coal – here
  • Energy vampire – here

What is the point of you?  Psychosomatic?  Or Real?

Thankfully when the sun breaks, roll call is different.

Like Pinky and the Brain, we start again.

The cycle for the day: some good moments, short lived but good.  She is still in there somewhere.  The Brain kicks in until without warning Pinky appears.

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I’m not giving up!  Not giving in! Just letting it out, instead of keeping it in.

I never understood this when I saw this in others.  I get it now.  Lesson learned.  Time to change the script and rewrite the chapter.  After all Tan, this is not a dress rehearsal.  Only one life to live, many people to love.

It’s time to scrape off the mud and rediscover the gold.

2018/10/24